So. I was on here last Saturday hoping I can post good things this Saturday, and whaddya know? I sit here w/ a achey abdoman and in the crook of my arm is the sweetest little peanut ever. Ever. Next to the one i held just 3.5 years ago that is I absorb every bit of him. His little breaths, his little squeaks, his little hands, the way he earnestly works his nuki. I see pictures of 2-4 week old babies on facebook and I cringe, PLEASE don't change little one, let's just freeze time here for awhile. Obviously, I haven't sat up all night with him. I get to be immersed in this happy newborn bubble for a little while. I'm sore, but it's ok. Everything is ok. He is here. I am not pregnant any longer, what more can a girl ask for??
The birth story. Or lack thereof. I want to write this out while things are fresh in my mind:
So I really hoped and planned for a VBAC, I think most of the world knew that is what I was wanting for this birth.
Then life happens, and sometimes the things you swore you'd never do, you do again.
First there was the matter of being largely pg for several weeks in 90 degree weather. That has a way of wearing down resolve.
Then. There is the fact that I have a busy mom, who generously blocked out a week of her summer to help me with the new baby, and a busy sister who also blocked out a week of her busy life to help me the following week. Two weeks of help, the only thing being they started just after my due date. So baby had a schedule to be on.
Then. The VBAC guidelines w/ my OBGYN included the fact that I would only be able to go overdue 1 week with the baby, then it's almost a certain c-section because they don't use the induction drugs on a VBAC patient.
So my options were:
slogging through a week of overdueness in 90 degree temps, hoping to go into labor, whilst my mom visits, and no baby. Then possibly ending up going for a c-section anyway because that is my only choice, which would mean that while my sister is here, I would spend most of her visit in the hospital.
hoping to go into labor.
Or, getting a c-section, and having the birth out of the way so I can enjoy being pampered for two weeks straight....hmmm..
This was such an emtional big deal to me. I struggled with this all week. Last week overall, was just not a fun week of being pg. I was weepy and emotional and just wanting to know what I should do, and hoping for any sign that I was going in to labor.
I resolved that if 'things' hadn't changed in indication that labor is near, from my previous weeks check-up, to this one, I would talk to them about getting a c-section on the schedule. So I went and had the lovely internal. Nothing had changed much from the previous week and it looked like baby was planning to stay and make me wait a bit longer. Got my membranes swept, which sent me into labor w/ Abbi, several days later, and nothing happened with that.
So I mentioned that maybe we wanted to be on the schedule for a repeat section. Preferably the beginning of the next week. They called out with an appt. for Monday the 16th which I took. This really set me into an emotional place, because all along, I had been wanting the birth one way, and now I was just throwing in the towel on all my hopes and dreams and going for the oppostie of everything I had planned. What a mess I was. Praying that I could please please go into labor over the weekend, and all that. I had read just a few too many natural birth blogs where c-sections and birthing drugs are the ultimate of evilness, and every horror story I ever heard was coming back to haunt me too. I'm pretty sure I didn't know what i really wanted anymore. Planning for one thing, hoping for another...arg.
Then Thursday, the 12th, just after lunch they called again, wanting me to come in for all the pre-ops yet that day in prep for Monday, and mentioned that they also had an opening for the following day if we wanted it. Wow, a totally new thing to stew about. Except, upon thinking about it further it did make so much more sense to just get the birth over with. I'd be done w/ my hospital stay by the time mom arrives, Daryl and I could just hang out at the hospital over the weekend...ect. ect.
So Daryl and I decided that if Friday was an option for the birth, we'd do it. I went in for my late afternoon pre-op appt. and from there it was a whirlwind of getting bloodwork done, and phone calls, and cleaning my house one last time, and lining up childcare, and packing bags, and cleaninng some more, and getting a pedicure and coffee with friends. I was on a serious adrenaline rush the whole afternoon long and mostly just getting gladder by the minute that I didn't have to stew the whole weekend, hoping for labor to start, and waiting for Monday. Also, I had no time to think on any of my previous hang-ups.
I had to bring myself to the place that this was my decision. I was not looking back. And I am not going to allow myself space for "what if". If this is what I chose, then this is what I chose. I am not gonna allow myself to be wistful two years from now that I didn't choose to wait and trust my body. C-sections are not criminal. Maybe not ideal, but there's no right or wrong way to give birth.
Yeah. So did I mention I was seriously hopped up on Adrenaline Thursday afternoon?? My goodness, I was rushing around so much, I totally forgot I was pregnant almost. I had no time to think of fatigue or tired swollen feet. And I was a bundle of nerves. It was a hard thing when Abbi left with my sister in law for the night. My last glimpse of her as 'my baby'. What if I got seriously messed up during surgery and would never see her the same way again???--I know, kinda ridicuous, but those were the thots going through my brain, every c-section horror story I may have ever read or heard came back to haunt me
I''m not exactly sure how much sleep I got Thursday night. snatches of an half and hour here or there, mostly. I laid on the couch and watched one episode after another of Andy Griffith. Yes, that show is my go-to when I can't sleep at night. I mean who doesn't eventually relax and fall asleep to such a comforting quiet old movie? Most times it works, but not this night. I did doze some here and there, I think.
We had to be signed in at 5:30, so the night was short. And then we were in maternity getting tagged and paperwork completed, procedures gone over. And then I was on the litter being taken down to surgery. Then I was in the surgery waiting area, going over things with the anesthesiologist, meeting and greeting the dr.s and staff who would be in the OR. It was a happy early morning place, employees arriving with cofee and gossip, cheerful. Then I was in the OR, being prepped. Many be-scrubbed people bustling in and out, introductions, happy words, questions, pokes in my back, warm blankets. And then tingly numbness, and my husband, in navy scrubs and a face mask.
There is a huge difference between a c-section following a grueling day and night of labor, or a c-section where a person is fresh and ready to go. I was SO much more present emotionally, I felt feelings of excitement, lots of fear, and just absorbed so much more of the details that morning.
There is also a huge differance between an amped up epidural--Abbi's birth, and spinal anesthetist-this birth. With Abbi, it was a very uncomfortable experience. I could feel my toes, and alot of tugging and pulling and pressure. She was stuck and it took them a long time to get her free and I could feel them working at it.
With this birth, the staff was fresh, and efficient, they worked together quickly to get me prepped, and soon after Daryl arrived, i wondered what was going on (yeah thanks, blue curtain). He's like, "oh they're cutting right now." whaaa?!? I was so surprised, cuz i felt nothing. I almost had to fight against the claustrophobic feeling that it felt like my lungs were going numb, I was that numb. The tech assured me that it was a normal feeling, that my lungs were in fact working just fine. Very very soon, Daryl was snapping pics as the baby was birthed, and then a loud squeaky cry filled the room!! Such a different sound then Abbi's first cry. She had a low loud voice, his was shrill and high, and very very VERY indignant. No one had asked him if it was time to be born!
Like I said, I was able to be so much more present emotionally then I expected.Even tho I had not gone through the work of pushing out a baby, tears rolled down my checks, and I felt giddy with excitement as my child was birthed. With Abbi's birth I had been so exhausted that I struggled to connect with the fact that this was my baby--right those first few seconds.
They lifted him over the curtain first, and then within minutes Daryl was back with him wrapped up, and I got to have his little face touch mine, and stroke his little cheeks for awhile. Then they were off to the nursury, while the Dr. quickly finished his job. In no time I was on my way to join my baby--yet another change from Abbi days. W/ her, I was rolled into a recovery area for awhile, and it was an hour or two until I held her. They had since implemented having recovery happen back in the maternity ward, in the regular room, which is definitely a change for the better. I was reunited with baby much much sooner.
The rest of the day passed in a bliss. Almost as soon as the baby was out, a change came over me. Gone were the fears, and the mental struggles, and emotional upheavel of the past week. I was overcome with a giddy excitement, and so relaxed too. I was no longer pregnant, baby darling was here, and sweet as could be, All the mental obsticals and fears had been overcome--I had survied another c-section surgery, and lived to tell.
Physically, I also felt so much better. Because I was not as exhausted to begin with, recovery began so much faster, and I was def. able to be more present in the moments in the first day following my surgery.
The funnest thing about this birth was the fact that is was a surprise to many. Our parents all expected the baby to arrive Monday. We decided to keep it that way. Only my SIL and a few friends knew he was coming Friday, and what fun it was to call the grandma's and family members and say "guess what?!?!"
So now, Bentley Isaiah is here, all 7 lbs. 5 oz. of him. He is sweet, he is perfect. I didn't know that I would be able to produce a second production of perfection, but apparently such a feat is possible.
We are in love.
Soon, I will post a bunch of pics, but not today. There is sweetness to behold.